Arachnophobes Unite: A Very British Guide to Spider-Proofing Your Home
As the summer months approach and temperatures rise across the UK, our eight-legged housemates decide it’s the perfect time for an uninvited reunion in our homes. For those who’d rather not share their living space with these creepy crawlies, here’s a thoroughly British guide to keeping spiders at bay.
The Great British Spider Invasion
Let’s face it, there’s nothing quite like the moment you’re enjoying a cuppa, when suddenly a spider the size of a Mini Cooper decides to dash across your living room carpet. Cue the traditional British response: balancing precariously on furniture while frantically searching for the Sports section of yesterday’s newspaper.
“I once found a spider so large in my bath that I swear it was wearing a tiny dressing gown and reading the property pages,” jokes Graham from Leeds. “I’m pretty sure it was considering making an offer on my airing cupboard.”
Keeping the Eight-Legged Blighters Out
Conkers: The Traditional (But Probably Useless) Method
For generations, British grannies have sworn by placing conkers around the house to repel spiders. Does it actually work? About as effectively as expecting a polite queue at Tesco’s when they announce a new till opening.
“I put conkers in every corner of my house,” says Margaret from Cornwall. “The spiders just used them for slalom practice. One particularly athletic specimen was training for the Spider Olympics, I’m convinced of it.”
Essential Oils: The Posh Way to Say “Sod Off, Spider”
Peppermint, tea tree, and lavender oils are said to send spiders packing. Simply splash a bit around your windows and doors, and voilà! Your house now smells like a branch of Holland & Barrett, but at least the spiders might think twice before entering.
“I sprayed peppermint oil everywhere,” recalls Dave from Manchester. “The spiders left, but so did my wife. Turns out she hates the smell even more than the spiders. Been six months now. Starting to think the spider deterrent might have been a bit too effective.”
The Classic Cup and Card Technique
Not strictly a prevention method, but a removal one. The traditional British approach to spider management involves trapping the offending arachnid under a glass, sliding a piece of paper underneath, then carrying it outside while maintaining the stiff upper lip we’re famous for.
“I tried the cup and card method last week,” says Jenny from Bristol. “Somehow ended up with the spider in my hair, the card stuck to my slipper, and the cup smashed on the floor. Decided to just sell the house instead. Seemed easier.”
Technological Advances in Spider Deterrence
The Hoover Hostage Situation
Nothing says “I’m terrified but practical” quite like hoovering up a spider. Of course, this leads to the age-old British dilemma: do you immediately empty the hoover bag outside, or do you live in fear that the spider will crawl back out for revenge when you’re asleep?
“I hoovered up a spider last autumn,” admits Phil from Birmingham. “Couldn’t bring myself to empty the hoover for three months. By Christmas, I was convinced it had formed a support group with the dust bunnies and was plotting against me.”
Ultrasonic Repellers: Scientific Wizardry or Expensive Paperweights?
These gadgets claim to emit sound waves that spiders can’t stand. Much like how your neighbors can’t stand your karaoke renditions of Adele songs at 2 AM.
“Bought an ultrasonic repeller online,” says Shirley from Edinburgh. “Can’t say if it repels spiders, but it definitely attracted every dog in the neighborhood. Now instead of spider problems, I have a garden full of confused Labradors.”
Prevention: The Better Part of Valor
Keep Your Garden Tidy
Reduce hiding spots near your house by keeping bushes trimmed and garden debris cleared. After all, why would spiders venture into your home when they can enjoy a lovely garden residence instead?
“I spent a whole weekend tidying my garden to stop spiders coming in,” laughs Tom from Cardiff. “Found so many of them, I’m now on first-name terms with most of the local arachnid population. Barry the garden spider sends his regards, by the way.”
Fill Those Cracks
Seal up cracks and gaps around windows and doors. Not only will this keep spiders out, but it might also reduce your heating bill. Two birds, one stone – or should I say, eight legs, one draught excluder?
“I went round sealing every gap in my house,” recalls Susan from Norwich. “My husband came home late and couldn’t get in. Found him the next morning curled up in the garden shed. Said he’d rather brave the spiders than sleep on the doorstep again.”
When All Else Fails
If your spider prevention methods have been about as effective as a chocolate teapot, there’s always the nuclear option: make friends with your eight-legged housemates. Give them names. Introduce them to your relatives. Knit them tiny jumpers for when the weather turns cold.
“I’ve named the spider in my bathroom ‘Boris’,” admits Alan from London. “He’s horrible to look at, makes a mess wherever he goes, and refuses to leave no matter how much I hint that he’s not welcome. The resemblance is uncanny.”
Remember, as we Brits love to say: Keep Calm and Carry A Very Large Glass And Piece of Card. Here’s to a summer with fewer eight-legged surprises and more uninterrupted cups of tea!